The Professional People-Pleaser: How to Set Boundaries at Work
Wanting to make people happy is not inherently a negative trait. Making people happy to the degree that it causes you distress and anxiety regarding your self-worth or fear of abandonment, rejection, or judgment, however, indicates you are a people-pleaser. In other words, you prioritize others' needs and wants before your own.
Can you relate to any of the following?
Falling behind on your work because you’re taking on too much at once.
Agreeing to take on projects/tasks because you don’t want to disappoint your boss/coworkers.
Working through your lunch/breaks or staying late to catch up on projects/tasks that you weren’t able to complete during normal hours.
Feeling exhausted or burnt out from overcommitting yourself.
Feeling anxious about your work performance (i.e., fearing you will be fired or are on the verge of being fired).
Being concerned with how others perceive you.
Amplifying negative feedback in your mind and disqualifying the positive.
Keeping your thoughts/opinions to yourself to avoid making people uncomfortable, upset, or angry.
Setting boundaries is difficult for people-pleasers because we are concerned about the potential consequences of doing so. It can be intimidating to set boundaries when we hardly have any, yet doing so is vital to protect our time, space, and energy. When discouraging thoughts like these arise, take note:
“It’s just one night. I don’t usually stay late, and my coworker needs my help.”
“I’m going to work through lunch today so I can catch up on this project.”
“If I don’t take on this task, my boss will be upset with me.”
They all seem to be doing more than me, so my coworkers must think I'm lazy.”
These thoughts are indicators that you need healthy work boundaries. It’s time to unlearn these thoughts/behaviors that are detrimental to your well-being.
Here are some steps you can take to reclaim your time, space, and energy:
Notice when you people-please.
Try to keep these thoughts and behaviors at the forefront of your mind. Noticing when it’s happening is often the first step toward taking back your power.
Set reminders on your phone or use post-it notes with positive affirmations about boundaries and people-pleasing:
“I will say no when I need to without feeling guilty.”
“It is an act of self-love to put me first.”
“I am not responsible for how people respond to my boundaries.”
“My productivity does not determine my value.”
Invest in a journal as a self-reflection tool. Journaling can help you identify causes and patterns of people-pleasing behavior and ways you can overcome it.
Be clear with yourself about your needs.
Are you exhausted from trying to keep up with everyone else and need more time to rest?
Do you feel like you have no work/life balance?
What needs do you have outside of work (i.e., time with family and friends or to engage in hobbies)?
How can you prioritize yourself (i.e., saying no to projects, being clear about your boundaries and enforcing them)?
Communicate your boundaries.
People-pleasers frequently have trouble communicating boundaries. Do you mean I have to actually tell people my boundaries?! Yes, you do. Nobody at work can read your mind, not even your boss. How else will people know you suddenly have boundaries if you have always been a "yes person"?
Communicating your boundaries may sound like:
“I’m working on something right now, but I may be able to help you when I’m finished.”
“I can’t take on any other projects right now.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed with my workload and need some support.”
“I can’t stay late this week.”
“I’m not willing to work through my lunch/breaks anymore.”
Expect pushback when you set boundaries.
People may not first react favorably to this because they are not accustomed to you having boundaries. Pushback is not a justification for disregarding your boundaries. Don't sacrifice your well-being because you are concerned about how this might affect your relationships or job; instead, politely remind people of what you are and are not willing to do.
Get support from a therapist.
In therapy, you may discover why you're a people-pleaser and get the support you need to change, grow, and learn to put yourself first. If you’re struggling and don’t know where to start, contact me to schedule a therapy session today!
