6 Ways to Stop People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is a deeply ingrained behavior that has an impact on our perceptions of ourselves and others.
I'll be the first to acknowledge that I'm a recovering people-pleaser. Since I was a child, I have struggled with anxiety, and one of the ways I dealt with it was by attempting to control how others perceived me (i.e., pleasing others). I wanted people to think of me as somebody who was kind, helpful, and trustworthy. As a result, I often ignored my own needs in favor of the needs of others, and I had a hard time advocating for myself.
You, too, may be a people-pleaser if you:
Fear disappointing people if you are not helpful or accommodating to their requests.
Undermine your own needs.
Worry about what people think of you.
Seek approval from others and believe that by doing things for them, they will like you.
Take blame for things that are not your fault.
Often find yourself apologizing.
Feel guilty for telling people “No.”
Give up your free time to help others and feel resentful toward them.
People-pleasing is not always a negative trait. In fact, caring for others and their feelings is essential to healthy relationships. This behavior becomes a problem, however, when it negatively affects our emotional well-being and self-esteem. As a result, we may feel angry, anxious, and experience thoughts like:
“I don’t want them to be upset with me for saying no.”
“If I don’t do things for them, they won’t want me around anymore.”
“I’m only valuable if I do things for them, even if it makes me uncomfortable.”
“If they reject me, it means I’m not a good or lovable person.”
Here are 6 ways to stop people-pleasing:
Be mindful of people-pleasing behavior.
Begin by noticing people, situations, and negative self-talk that lead you to people-please and how this makes you feel. Journaling can be beneficial in developing insight into this behavior.
Set boundaries.
Identify sources of resentment in relationships - this is usually a good indication that a boundary needs to be set. Know your limits and what you are/are not willing to do for others. "I don't answer calls after 8 p.m.," or "I can help you, but I'm only available from 3 p.m.," are examples of how to communicate these boundaries.
Work on your self-esteem.
Making the decision to stop pleasing others is an act of self-love. Examine your attitudes and beliefs about satisfying others and your own worth. Actively challenge and reframe these thoughts/beliefs. For instance, if I hold the belief, “I don’t want them to be upset with me for saying no,” I can reframe this by reminding myself, “Their reaction to my boundary is not my responsibility.” If I believe, “I’m not a good or lovable person if they reject me,” I can tell myself, “My worth is not dependent on doing things for other people.”
Learn to sit with discomfort.
People-pleasing is frequently motivated by a desire to avoid unpleasant emotions such as discomfort, rejection, abandonment, or being judged as flawed. It's crucial to work toward healthy relationships with yourself and others by learning to sit with these feelings until they pass (and they will pass).
Give yourself grace.
Change can be hard. People-pleasing is a learned behavior, often stemming from childhood. Unlearning this will take time and patience, and that is okay. You are growing.
Seek therapy.
A therapist can help you recognize unhealthy relationship dynamics, core beliefs, and harmful thoughts in a way that is objective. They can also help you identify the source(s) of people-pleasing behavior, explore obstacles to setting boundaries, and improve your relationship with yourself in a safe, nonjudgmental space.
There is hope that you will overcome people-pleasing! As a recovering people-pleaser, I am constantly reminding myself of why this behavior had to stop: it was exhausting and damaging to my self-esteem. When I began working through how this affected me, I learned to prioritize myself. I still battle with this from time to time, and I gently remind myself that I am growing too.
If you are ready to end the cycle of people-pleasing, I encourage you to reach out today.
