The Psychology of People-Pleasing: Causes and Strategies for Overcoming Approval-Seeking Behavior

People-pleasing is a common behavior that affects many people in their personal and professional lives. While people-pleasing can be a positive trait when used appropriately, it can also lead to negative consequences such as anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-worth. This article will discuss what causes people-pleasing and offer some tips for overcoming this behavior.

What is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is the tendency to put the needs and desires of others before one's own, often leading to feelings of resentment, frustration, and burnout. It can manifest in various ways, such as being overly accommodating, always saying yes to requests, or avoiding conflict at all costs. People-pleasers often have difficulty asserting themselves and may feel guilty or anxious when they do not meet the expectations of others.

What Causes People-Pleasing?

There are many reasons why people may engage in approval-seeking behaviors. Here are some of the most common causes:

1. Anxiety

Anxiety can cause people-pleasing behavior as individuals may feel a sense of fear or worry about disappointing others or being rejected (more on this below). We may feel a need to constantly seek approval or validation from others to alleviate our anxiety. This can result in a pattern of overcommitting, saying yes to things we don't want to do, and prioritizing the needs of others over our own. This behavior can become a vicious cycle as anxiety may increase due to the stress of constantly trying to please others.

2. Fear of Rejection

The fear of rejection is a powerful force that can drive us to do things we wouldn't normally do. When it comes to people-pleasing behavior, the fear of rejection can be a major contributing factor. We may feel that if we don't please others, they will reject us or think less of us.

For example, you may have a friend who constantly asks you for favors, causing you to feel overwhelmed and stressed by their demands. However, you may feel that if you say no, they will end the friendship or think you're not a good friend. This fear of rejection can cause you to constantly say yes to their requests, even when it's not in your best interest.

3. Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is a common experience that can contribute to people-pleasing behavior. When we don't feel good about ourselves, we may believe that the only way to receive love and acceptance from others is to constantly make them happy to avoid disappointing them. However, this external validation is often short-lived and can lead to a cycle of seeking approval and never feeling satisfied.

4. Past Trauma

Trauma is a complex and often overwhelming experience that can have lasting effects on our lives. One of the ways trauma can impact us is through people-pleasing behavior. When we experience trauma, we may learn to associate meeting the needs of others with receiving love and avoiding punishment. This can result in a tendency to constantly put the needs of others before our own as a way to cope and feel safe.

For example, if you grew up in a household where your needs were not prioritized or your emotions were dismissed, you may have learned to suppress your own needs. As a result, you may have developed a pattern of people-pleasing behavior in order to receive validation and avoid conflict. While this behavior may have served a purpose in the past, it can become a habit that is difficult to break.

5. Cultural or Family Expectations

Cultural expectations can play a significant role in shaping our behavior. Depending on our cultural background, we may have been taught that it's essential to always put others first, even at the expense of our own well-being.

For example, if you come from a culture that places a high value on family and community, you may have learned that it's your duty to always be there for others no matter what.

Tips for Overcoming People-Pleasing:

1. Identify Your Needs and Desires

Take time to reflect on what you truly want and need in life. Ask yourself, "What makes me happy?" "What are my values?" "What are my goals?" Once you have identified your needs and desires, you can begin to assert them.

2. Practice Assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear and respectful manner. People often struggle with assertiveness because they fear being honest and direct will cause conflict or hurt someone's feelings. However, being assertive is an important skill for setting healthy boundaries and building positive relationships.

Practice expressing your needs and desires in a clear and direct way using "I" statements to express how you feel. For example, "I feel overwhelmed when I take on too many responsibilities, and I need help with some of them." It's also important to learn how to say no in a firm but respectful way. This can be challenging for people-pleasers, but it's essential for setting healthy boundaries and managing stress.

3. Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is an essential part of overcoming this pattern. It involves saying no to requests that do not align with your needs and desires (refer to #1 and #2). It can be difficult to set boundaries at first, but with practice, it will become easier.

4. Practice Self-Care

People-pleasers often neglect their own needs in favor of others. It is essential to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. This can include getting enough rest, engaging in activities you enjoy, and seeking support from loved ones or a mental health professional.

5. Learn to Accept Imperfection

People-pleasers often have a strong desire to be perfect in all areas of their lives. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a fear of failure. Learning to accept imperfection and embracing mistakes can help reduce these feelings and increase self-compassion.

6. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Those who struggle with the tendency to want to make others happy may have negative thoughts about themselves, such as, "I am not good enough" or, "If I say no, they won't like me." These thoughts can fuel the desire to please others and avoid conflict. Challenging these negative thoughts can be an important step in overcoming people-pleasing.

One way to challenge negative thoughts is to question their validity. Are they based on facts, or are they assumptions? Are there any alternative interpretations that are more positive and accurate? Another strategy is to reframe the negative thought into a more positive one. For example, instead of, "I am not good enough," try, "I have strengths and qualities that make me valuable." It can also be helpful to practice self-compassion and kindness towards oneself. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who is going through a difficult time.

7. Seek Support

Overcoming people-pleasing can be a challenging journey, and it's important to have a support system to turn to. This can include friends, family, or a therapist who can provide guidance, encouragement, and accountability. Therapy can be especially helpful for exploring the underlying causes of people-pleasing and developing new coping strategies.

In conclusion, people-pleasing is a common but often overlooked issue that can have negative impacts on mental health and relationships. It's important to recognize the signs of this behavior and take steps to overcome them, such as challenging negative thoughts, practicing assertiveness, and seeking support. By learning to value and prioritize your own needs, you can build healthier relationships, as well as improve your self-esteem and overall well-being.