How to Honor Your Boundaries This Holiday Season
While the holidays are a time for celebration, they can also be a source of stress. Along with the holidays comes traveling, gatherings, gift-giving, and complicated relationship dynamics… and for some, this can be physically, psychologically, and emotionally draining.
Now is a good time to check in with yourself to see what boundaries you may need to set with friends and family. If you struggle with setting boundaries, read on to learn healthy ways to express where your limits lie when it comes to your time, space, and energy this season.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits we set to define our personal, energetic, and emotional space. Boundaries say, "Here's the line you cannot cross." They're essential to healthy relationships because boundaries lay the foundation of how we are treated.
It can be difficult to know where your boundaries are, and even more difficult to communicate them to others. But it's important to remember that you decide your limits. You are in charge of what's okay and what isn't.
How to Set and Communicate Boundaries
Setting boundaries is a healthy way to express yourself and the expectations you have of others.
Consider what you want/need and what is practical for you for the holidays. Maybe you'd rather stay home in your pj’s all day instead of attending a gathering. Perhaps you're not comfortable with discussing topics related to religion, politics, weight/dieting, or gossiping about other family members/friends.
Your boundaries may include:
Communicating how long you will stay at a gathering.
Declining an invitation to a gathering.
Choosing not to host in your home.
Expressing comfort or discomfort about physical touch (i.e., hugs and kisses).
Communicating expectations about gift-giving (i.e., monetary limits, not giving gifts).
Your boundaries may sound like:
"I feel overwhelmed when I travel for the holidays, so I’m going to stay home this year.”
"I feel uncomfortable talking about diets and weight, especially during the holidays. I want to eat delicious food without feeling guilty.”
"We have different views on politics/religion. I don’t want tension between us today. Let's talk about something else."
"I’m used to having alone time, and gatherings can be overwhelming for me. I’m going to leave in an hour so I can have time to decompress from socializing.”
"I’m buying presents for a lot of people this year, so my cap on gifting is $20 per person.”
And if someone doesn't like your boundaries? That's okay. Not everyone will like them, and that's not a reason to forgo them altogether.
When we don’t set or enforce boundaries, we allow ourselves to be uncomfortable for the sake of someone else’s comfort and needs. Setting boundaries may contradict the people-pleaser in you. You may feel like you're being selfish or unkind by setting boundaries, but it's important to remember that this doesn't mean that you don't care about others—it just means that you need to take care of yourself first.
Enforce consequences for violating your boundaries.
Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of setting boundaries is following through with consequences. When we don’t enforce consequences after communicating our boundaries, it sends the message that they don’t matter and can be taken advantage of.
Consequences for violating boundaries may include not attending or leaving a gathering, stepping outside for some air, or cutting off contact with people.
For some people, it doesn’t matter how you communicate or enforce your boundary, they will still give you pushback. When people aren’t used to us setting boundaries, they will often try to guilt or shame us for doing so. Again, this is not a reason to disrespect your own boundaries - in fact, it’s confirmation that you need them.
Keep in mind that you can have limits while also being loving, compassionate, and assertive. And recognize that while setting boundaries can feel scary, people may respond well to them.
Practice self-care.
Enforcing boundaries is an act of self-care. Your mental health may be negatively impacted if your loved ones don't respect your boundaries. Spend some time reflecting on how this impacts your relationship with them. Nurture relationships that are supportive and respectful of your boundaries. You may also consider talking to a therapist who can help you navigate difficult family or friendship dynamics and the complexities of setting boundaries.
We all have a unique set of boundaries that define who we are. It's important to respect them so that others know what they can expect from you and vice versa. Your boundaries don't have to be a source of stress. You can honor them with a little planning, some mindfulness, and a lot of self-care!
